No Child Left Behind - Football Version

In honor of the football season here is a version of No Child Left Behind.

The football version of what is going on in education right now. For all educators in and out of the education system. 

1. All teams must make the state playoffs and all MUST win the championship. If a team does not win the
championship, they will be on probation until they are the champions, and coaches will be held accountable. If after two years they have not won the championship their footballs and equipment will be taken away UNTIL they do win the championship.

2. All kids will be expected to have the same football skills at the same time, even if they do not have the same conditions or opportunities to practice on their own. NO exceptions will be made for lack of interest in football, a desire to perform athletically, or genetic abilities or disabilities of themselves or their parents. ALL KIDS WILL PLAY FOOTBALL AT A PROFICIENT LEVEL! 
 
3. Talented players will be asked to workout on their own, without instruction. This is because the coaches will be expected to use all their instructional time with the athletes who aren’t interested in football, have limited athletic ability or whose parents don’t like football or even encourage their child to try out.

4. Games will be played year round, but statistics will only be kept in the 4th, 8th, and 11th game. This will
create a New Age of Sports where every school is expected to have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimum goals. If no child gets ahead, then no child gets left behind. If parents do not like this new law, they are encouraged to vote for vouchers and support private schools that can screen out the non-athletes and prevent their children from having to go to school with bad football players.

5.  No matter how dedicated a coach is or how hard the players play, the game of football is only as good as the media and John Q. Public says it is. The opinion of any fan that has a poor experience with a certain game or with team will be used by state lawmakers when deciding whether the game of football is constitutional.  Coaches who speak out for their profession will be labeled as troublemakers.